Did you know that there was talk of a bacon shortage? I didn’t, but if I had, I’ll have to admit that I would have been among those who “collectively freaked out over the possibility that we might have to one day hit up the buffet and actually eat fresh fruit -- with all that "nutrition" and "flavor."” Wait, was that sarcasm? Bellini, you cannot underestimate the flavor of bacon, because guess what: We put bacon in other food to make it taste better. It has power. Bellini at least understands that, though.
“Without question, bacon is the most interesting meat in the world, and if it were capable of original thought, we wouldn't even be having an election this November in America. We would simply appoint bacon as our forever leader and live dutifully under its rule. "Today, for no apparent reason, I instructed U.S. troops to invade Calgary." "Hooray! Thanks, bacon!"”
The point is, I read “Apparently This Matters: Bacon Shortage” and was scared at first. What would I become without bacon? When the National Pig Association put news out there that there would be a shortage of bacon in America, I believe we might have found the world’s new most destructive weapon, simply heartbreak.
Seriously though, I’m not sure if it should warm my heart or worry me that people would completely drop the subject of “topless photos of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge” to talk about the loss of bacon. Bacon is amazing, we’ve established that, but I realize that everyone has their own opinions. So, that means there must be people out there who don’t like bacon, right? Well, apparently not as many as we might have expected! Because, obviously, Catherine’s throne was taken over by bacon. Again, is that sad or simply fascinating?
Bellini goes on to tell us that this scare was just a “big misinterpretation of facts”. If the shortage was such a big deal, I’m sure it was also a big deal being a hoax. You can just imagine the relief around the world! I mean, you might as well claim it the cure for cancer!
All in all, bacon has now done a tremendous amount of things for all of us. It’s tasty. It’s important. It invaded Calgary. It revealed the secret for the world’s new most destructive weapon, forget the bombs! And last but not least, it is the cure for cancer. I think it actually might be time to consider bacon for president. As I said before, you just cannot underestimate the power of bacon
No comments:
Post a Comment